“What’s the Doily Allergen?” Asks Stupid Journalism Major
IOWA CITY, IA— BREAKING NEWS: Robbie Michaelson, an 18-year-old journalism major from somewhere in “the Chicago suburbs,” has made the libelous claim that there is someone in the world who has not heard of the Doily Allergen. That someone, according to Michaelson, is him.
Michaelson reportedly made his slanderous comments after being “stalked by these weird guys who seriously looked like they were in some sort of cult worshipping... little towels?” and “getting cornered in some dark hallway of Adler and having microphones shoved up [his] face,” whereupon a pair of refined gentlemen who may or may not be allegedly associated with the esteemed press which is the Doily Allergen questioned him on his knowledge of the famously factual paper, known widely as the only student newspaper produced on the University of Iowa campus. Be warned, reader, that the following statements of Michaelson’s recorded that evening are shocking and horrid. Transcript below.
The Doily Allergen: What is your opinion on the Doily Allergen?
Robbie Michaelson: What’s the Doily Allergen? Hey, what are you doing—? [Editor’s note: It was nothing important. We simply ensured he did not have any weapons on his person.]
TDA: Surely you’ve heard of us. What’s your major again?
TDA: Just kidding, we already know. You want to be a journalist? Surely you’ve heard of us then. It’s also interesting how you claim to have a good home life, yet your mother recently sent a death threat directly to your personal email address. Don’t worry, we can help you get a new identity if need be. We’ve got your social security number right here, see? Just to confirm, it’s [redacted on the advice of our legal team], correct?
RM: What the fuck?
TDA: You claim to work at a student newspaper here you call “the Daily Iowan.” There is no such institution, as we at the Doily Allergen are, in fact, the only journalistic organization on campus.
RM: Fucking hell, man, what—I’m sorry, I just haven’t heard of you guys before! It’s not like I know everything about this place. I’m a freshman!
TDA: Those claims you are making are libelous and uncalled for. What do you say to these allegations?
RM: [sobbing] I should have gone to UChicago...
And there you have it, folks! Michaelson has since refused to respond to any of our outreach attempts, including a deposition from our lawyers. Robbie, we’ve asked you kindly, gently, as politely as a newly-hatched dove, to meet our demands of your own volition. Alas, now that you’ve refused, we’ll be seeing you in court. But we’d recommend locking your door an extra time tonight if you want to make it that far.