What to Expect from the FNAF Movie (From a Non–FNAF Fan)
“Oh, boy, a 5 Nights At Fredies’ movie! I cannot wait, for this is the greatest occurrence I have ever lived to witness, and I shall devote myself to the worship of this upcoming blockbuster film for all ages hence!” is what every single FNAF fan said when this movie was announced — and now, it’s almost here. The Fredian Rapture. The Second Coming of Fredies. Something about a purple guy?
Look, I have to level with you. I’ve never played a FNAF game. I’ve never been a part of the fandom. The most I ever did was watch a few Game Theory videos back in, like, middle school, and I barely remember those. I haven’t even watched a single trailer for the movie adaptation. So do I know what I’m talking about? No, not at all. And am I the best person to write an article on the biggest things to look forward to in the upcoming film? Yes. Absolutely, yes. I mean, I was assigned this article, so I kind of have to anyway... But don’t worry about that! Without further ado, let us begin. Here are the top five things you should be looking forward to seeing in 5 Nights At Fredies’: The Major Motion Picture:
Fredies Phasebare will make at least one (1) appearance. As a FNAF fan, this should excite you so much that you cannot contain your joy and risk exploding in front of the screen. Please attempt to hold it in for at least the remainder of this list.
For the first time in world history, we will get to see up close and personal the exact details of how much blood splattered on the wall, and how far away the blood splatter extended, after the Bite of ‘82 or whatever it’s called. It will be shown in such gory, visceral detail that 98.6% of the audience will throw up upon viewing the scene.
Eschewing the shackles of traditional film theory and audience appeal, this bold art nouveau masterpiece will be 108 hours long, literally an average of the four days and five nights that the original game presumably takes place over. However, in order to maximize audience retention, by which I mean gluing people to their seats, there will be a jumpscare at minimum every thirty seconds. Or they might actually glue people to their seats, idk.
A friend of mine just told me there’s some wacky dude in the lore named Bill Aften or something like that who fans think is important? He’ll probably show up at some point and be all like, “Yo, I’m Mister Aften, the scary guy! Boo!” That’ll be fun. You’ll all get to scream when he shows up and go “OMFG THE BILL GUY WAS IN THE MOVIE AND HE WAS PLAYED BY IDK ROBERT DOWNEY JUNIOR OR SOMETHING THAT’S CRAZY ISN’T IT???” Sorry, had to improvise there with the actor name. Bro, imagine if Robert Downey, Jr. is actually in this movie and I just lucked out with that guess. That’d be pretty neat.
The movie will provide a satisfying, well-written, lore-accurate conclusion to a long-running series, ending the franchise and dispelling any fears that this is just the next step in the slow death of a property that has not been milked to ruin and disfigurement in the name of a pretty penny.
Crazy stuff! Even I’m excited, so you should definitely be. This is going to be one wild ride! Lmk tho if any of this actually happens lol, like that’d be wild. No, I’m not going to see the movie, lmao. Did you actually think I was, like, even a little bit interested? Yikes, lol...