What We’ll Miss About Online School
After a grueling syllabus week, full of icebreakers with the same people you’ve had in every literature class for four years and throwing up rum and coke three separate nights, it’s time to put away the blue-light glasses, put on the rose-tinted goggles, and say a fond farewell to online school. (Until, like, November when it all goes to shit.)
That dude with a parrot in his room If you didn’t have a class with Horace, you missed out. Dude had a big-ass green bird of some kind—I’m pretty sure he called it a parrot once— and it was a great way to distract yourself from society crumbling around you.
Cooking breakfast during class I tried to whip up a breakfast sandwich during my Tuesday lecture, but it’s just not the same. Plus the professor was all, “That’s an enormous fire risk” and “Did you just spill bacon grease onto other student’s desks?” What a narc.
Talking over teacher’s pets while muted The only thing worse than having a class with a teacher’s pet is having several classes with them, listening to them repeat the same goddamn point they made in sociology and media studies last week. We’ll have to break the habit of repeating their words in a whiny voice, and find other ways to remain intellectually superior.
Sending private message bomb threats to your teaching assistant to get out of discussion Yeeeah, I’m not too proud of this one. It worked, though.
Watching a professor’s relationships devolve around them This is likely the most profound loss we are experiencing. There was nothing better than seeing your professor’s emotional burnout from syllabus week to finals week. Little moments like when they’d yell at their kid for bursting in (but you remember how gentle they used to be); or noticing that their Zoom background is now a shitty motel room (and what’s this? Where did that wedding ring go, professor? It’s okay, I won’t say anything. But I might! I juuuust might.)