What Your Star Sign Says About Your Upcoming Finals Grades

Studies show astrology to be a better predictor of grade than class attendance

Finals season is almost here, which means it’s just about time to stop sports betting in lecture and start finding out what the classes your parents are going into debt for are actually about.

If spending more than 15 minutes in silence studying a textbook by yourself sounds too torturous to bear, we here at the Doily Allergen are here to assure you that your fate is already sealed in the stars. Read below to find out if you even need to study this semester or if your time would be better spent driving multiple hours to find a liquor store with Busch Apple in stock.

Virgo ♍︎ (August 23 to September 22): You will walk into the wrong lecture hall and fail to notice until the third page of the exam, when you realize you can’t actually read German.

Libra ♎︎ (September 23 to October 22): The person sitting in front of you during the final will bear a striking resemblance to one of your old situationships. You will spend the next two hours mostly contemplating texting them again and will fail to finish 60% of the exam.

Scorpio ♏︎ (October 23 to November 21): Your final grades will correlate exactly with how attractive your professor is on a 1-100 scale. 

Sagittarius ♐︎ (November 22 to December 21): A fire alarm will sound during your exam, leading it to be cancelled. Don’t bother studying. Go outside and hone in your spikeball serve before summer starts.

Capricorn ♑︎ (December 22 to January 19): You’re failing your exams unless you and three of your closest friends put together the best damn talent show this city’s ever had…

Aquarius ♒︎ (January 20 to February 18): You need to wash your sheets more often. This one doesn’t have anything to do with your finals, it’s just true.

Pisces ♓︎ (February 19 to March 20): Your final grade will be the current winning percentage of the Major League Baseball team closest to your childhood home. 

Aries ♈︎ (March 21 to April 19): Your great-great-grandfather angered a witch when he was a boy, and her subsequent curse on his bloodline has been the source of every academic mishap you’ve encountered in your life up to this point. Nothing you can do to stop this one, really. Sorry.

Taurus ♉︎ (April 20 to May 20): The multiple-choice answers on your final’s scantron sheet will line up to spell the name of your future spouse.

Gemini ♊︎ (May 21 to June 20): Your final grade will – AHH SHIT A SPIDER!!! LOOK DOWN!!!

If you fell for that, you’re failing your tests. All of them. Actually, you’re failing them even if you didn’t. The stars are unforgiving, we know. 

Cancer ♋︎ (June 21 to July 22): To find your final grade, take the year in which you were born, add 12, divide by 2, subtract 1000, multiply by 10, then add 2. 

Leo ♌︎ (July 23 to August 22): Any regular readers of the ‘Daily Iowan’ will fail their final exams.