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  • Doily Allergen

Which Monster Is the Best To Live Next Door To?


With October in full swing, we thought it best to rank the various monsters you might find yourselves living next to this spooky season. This does not include people who don’t wear masks, because, according to our editor, “that shit is too scary."

10. Guy Who Blasts Bass-Boosted Migos at 3 A.M.

His name is Jake and he thinks listening to rap music means he’s not racist. You are, Jake.

He’s got a collection of caps and takes them very seriously. Also his Instagram is filled with pictures of him wearing fanny packs and doing what he thinks are gang signs.

9. Ghost

This monster does not understand the meaning of personal space. Or walls. They float into your apartment all the time and do not listen when you ask them to leave. Somehow whenever you’re on the phone they decide it’s a good time to make spooky moaning sounds right on the other side of the wall. And they keep moving your shit around while you’re not looking cause they think it’s a good prank and it’s not, ‘cause you have ADHD and you need your stuff to stay where you put it otherwise you forget it exists.

8. Siren

She will. Not. Stop. Singing. Seriously. She’s convinced that she’s the next Mariah Carey and constantly asks you to record her auditioning for contests or studio deals. Whenever your friends are over she sings their favorite song and they “just have” to go over to her place and sing it with her and then you don’t see them for days. You want your friends back.

Also, she keeps flooding her apartment because she needs to “hydrate her tail”. It’s such bullshit. Every time she does it, she ends up flooding your apartment and a bunch of other ones and you have to evacuate the building while they drain the water. You asked her once why she doesn’t just use her bathtub and she looked so terrifyingly mad that you just dropped it.

7. Zombie

Surprisingly not the worst one, but still not that great. The worst part about a zombie neighbor is the smell. It’s a mix of the worst possible smells, like vomit, rotten eggs, and the time you tried to make tuna casserole. And it’s contagious or something. Cause now your apartment smells like the zombie’s apartment had a smell baby.

They’re weirdly obsessed with brains, too. They’re studying to be a brain surgeon but that doesn’t seem to be enough for them. Any time you run into them in the hallway they’re always like, “Brains!!” and run after you.

Sometimes they’ll accidentally drop a limb in your apartment and it’s kinda funny cause you can play pranks on your friends with it. So that’s kinda cool.

6. Mummy

Mummies are weird. Somehow they’re dusty all the damn time and make your allergies act up. Also they try to hide in your apartment and scare you, but it never works cause they leave trails of bandages everywhere.

But they’re kinda chill. They’re always down to go TP your asshole professor’s house, and they love Brendan Fraser movies, which is a little on the nose for you, but it’s fun.

5. Medusa

This snaky lady falls right in the middle. She gets really aggressive whenever you call her a monster, ‘cause according to her, she was just defending herself. But honestly, you’re on her side. She’s told you the story before and you completely understand why she hates the name Percy.

Your apartment kinda sucked before she moved in, but it turns out she’s really good at interior decorating and even took you shopping once to help decorate your place. Plus, her snakes are actually really friendly and tell you words of affirmation whenever you pet them.

She has turned you into stone before and still thinks it’s kinda funny, but you’ve worked with her on understanding why it’s bad to change the physical makeup of people without asking.

4. Vampire

Weirdly, this monster doesn’t suck (hahahahahahahaha kill me). They invite you to donate blood with them all time and speak in a really terrible Slavic accent when they’re feeling spicy, but generally they’re not that bad to live next to.

They can’t just burst into your apartment ‘cause you have to give them permission first, which is nice. You actually kinda dig their vibe, and they have these really cool rave parties that you get invited to. And, despite being however old, they’ve got a great handle on modern fashion and are really helpful whenever you’re getting ready for a date.

You spend a lot of time just asking them about historical figures they knew. Shakespeare originally had Romeo and Mercutio get together, but he ended up changing it to appease straight audiences. Also, Jesus was super chill.

3. Witch

Technically she’s not a monster, but she’s definitely got the attitude and habits of one, so she’s included in this.

The best part about her is that she has a cat named Pickles who will wander into your apartment occasionally. Sometimes when you’re having a stressful day, a vaguely magical black cat wandering in and curling up on your lap is just what you need.

She tests a lot of her shit on you, which would suck except she’s really good at what she does. She gave you a tea once that made you really smart and you aced all your midterms.

A lot of different smells come from her apartment, some of which are wonderful and some of which are very bad, but you’ve actually made a game of guessing what’s making the smell, so you’re used to it.

2. Werewolf

A werewolf, as it turns out, is pretty great to live next to. They’re really hairy and they lift a lot, so they’re super intimidating, but in a really supportive and cool way. They even beat up an asshole ex for you once.

Apparently, with their unquenchable thirst for flesh comes a great skill for grilling, so barbecues with them are fantastic. They know how to cook a steak exactly the way you like it. It’s perfectly done with a great texture and it’s super buttery.

Full moons are a little scary. They howl all night and tell you to block your door with something silver, but they can talk to your dog so you’re cool with it.

1. Bigfoot

The biggest thing about Bigfoot is his heart. He’s really tall and big, so he’s great at giving hugs. When you fought with your ex, he comforted you while you cried. He doesn’t talk much, so he’s got a quiet and gentle kind of vibe that makes him really good at listening.

When he does talk, he says some profound shit that honestly gives you a different perspective on the world.

He’s super down to earth, too. He used to live in the woods and grow his own food and make furniture. It was hard to make friends, though, ‘cause everyone who saw him thought he was gonna kill them.

Sometimes his height is a little scary, but he’s great to have around when you need to get to high places.


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