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Satire No Longer Possible: Doily Allergen Gives Up
If you’re like us, you may have noticed that the world is getting more and more ridiculous with each passing day. Even renowned—if...


Girl Drinks Coffee, Ready to Lock In After This Five-Hour Nap
With finals rapidly approaching and no sign of time magically stopping, students across campus have been scrambling to complete papers...


Herky the Hawk Named the New Pope
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Hawk, amen.


Guy Who Ate Soup All Semester Did Better on the Final Than You
HOW DID HE DO IT?? Look, we’ve all been there. Reports from all of your professors came in this week, and yup, that guy in the back of...


Catlett Dining Hall Music Decided by Confused Goldfish
Have you ever sat at the dining hall and thought midway through your meal, “why on earth are they playing this music?” Recent rumors...


Iowa City Still Hungover After Bar Crawl
As the school year draws to a close and the weather gets warmer, partygoers flock downtown in hordes. This weekend, to no one’s shock,...


Whoopsies! Funding Pulled from Tippie: Someone’s Getting Fired…
The One Place They Didn’t Want to Do That Over the last few months, different departments all across the University have been losing...


Student Spotlight: Cinema Student Who Thinks They Can Totally Carry that Equipment Back to Their Dorm
Get a Grip! Freshman Cinema Major, Kyle Godfrey, has picked himself up by his bootstraps; as well as several pounds of recording...


Barbara Wilson Throws Public Tantrum After Grad Students Refuse to Work for Free
Cuts to the University’s budget are being felt by everyone across campus, including President Barbara Wilson. Now, with the potentially...


Sign Guy Gets Resurrected
He will come in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his sign will have no end For those of you tuned into all things annoyingly...


Herky Becomes Proud Hawkeye Parent; Easter Egg Hunt Canceled
Yesterday morning, members of the Campus Activities Board were shocked to find that the eggs they had painstakingly painted and hidden...


Pilate Balks: Good Friday Postponed
Maybe Some Other Time! BREAKING: In a shocking move on both religious and political fronts, Pontius Pilate—Governor of Judaea—has...


Street Hawk Food Truck Hijacked for Cross-Country Road Trip
Documentary Coming Soon Four days ago, students all across campus were horrified to learn that the beloved Street Hawk Food Truck had...


Barbara Wilson Hands Out Autographed Headshots for Employee Appreciation Week
Student’s wages will be garnished as compensation


Greek Life Marches on Troy
Muse, sing to me the rage, The awesome rage of Bradrick, son of some guy, Whose epic pranks brought countless woes upon campus security,...


Report Finds Hot People Becoming Endangered Due to Campus Study Abroad Initiatives
Recent research finds that roughly 57% of the species “Cool Hot Person” that exists within the general population at the University of...


Spring Weather Thaws ‘You Honk, We Drink’ Guys
Well, spring has officially sprung, which means longer days, flowers blooming, and, of course, the ‘You Honk, We Drink’ Guys. Nothing...


White Girl Tries to be DEI Coordinator: “They Don’t Know I’m Indie”
Go, white girl, go! Vivian Williams (local student, pescatarian; analog purist) throws her bleached wolf cut into a messy top knot,...


Front Row Yapper Holds Lecture Hall 25 Hours Over Class Time
Last week, one brave – or possibly stupid – freshman had the horrifying audacity to hold a Foundations of the English Major lecture hall,...
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