Less Important

12th Floor Freshman Literally Fucking Dies in the Catlett Elevator

This week, the DA has terrible news to report, as a tragedy has struck Iowa’s newest residence hall. In the crush of students running...

Double Whammy! Freshman Tricked Into Joining Both Salt Co. and Iowa YAF

It’s one thing to fall victim to one of the numerous predatory student organizations on campus, but two?! Well, that’s what happened to...

Herky Likes ‘Em Hairy

Hate Week is now upon us, with freshly painted sheets decorating Iowa City. There are several true claims hanging around the city, but...

We Put One of Our Writers in a Room with Black Mold to Watch Them Become Transphobic

So, what a summer, huh? I was too busy bratting it up to watch the Olympics, but apparently it was quite a controversial event, and not...

BREAKING: Iowa City Bride Arrested for Wearing White after Labor Day

University of Iowa alum and Iowa City resident Peyton Clayton nee Mart was forced to spend her wedding night behind bars. The Monday...

If I Get One More Email from Engage, I’m Going to Engage in Some Violence

The school year is now in full swing, whether we want it or not, and with that comes the desperation of every single organization on...

Professors Hate Him! English Major Narrowly Avoids EPB Classes for a Semester

The EPB, otherwise known as the English-Philosophy building, has gained a kind of infamy only rivaled by the quality of Burge Dining...

Gay, Trans Bottoms Get Bottom Surgery at Summit

Summit is Iowa City’s favorite heterosexual safe space. It’s the one place a homophobe can go and not have to worry about encountering...

I Tried the New Feastables Bar So My Poor Roommate Wouldn’t Have To

Here at The Doily, we love our roommates (the cool ones), and one very cool international roommate of ours made the harrowing decision to...

“Get back in there!”: Man Purposely Fails Rectal Exam for Hot Doctor at UI Quickcare

Two weeks ago, University of Iowa freshman Ian Hawke paid a visit to the UIowa Quickcare for his routine rectal exam (which he insisted...

Student Spotlight: The 80-Year-Old Man in the Sauna

No matter the day, rain or shine, or whatever holiday it is, Carl Samson can be found in the Campus Recreation and Wellness Center,...

CAMBUS Driver Quits After One Too Many Bitches Cross in Front of the Bus

A lot of people don’t know this, but when Moses wrote the Ten Commandments on those stone plates, his first draft included an eleventh...

Discovery of Amelia Earhart’s Plane Reveals She Went Down Getting Litty

Last month, Deep Sea Vision, an underwater exploration company based in the US, revealed a sonar image they had taken that they believe...

College Kids Can’t Get Enough of This Hot New Trend: Shattering the Fucking Windows

America, we need to talk. Our kids are out of control. Our teens are vaping in the classroom. Our babies are addicted to iPads. And our...

Due to Iowa’s ADHD Medication Shortage, I’ll Be Boycotting Paying Attention

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that kids these days are mentally unwell. Whether you want to blame Covid, TikTok, or...

Doily Allergen Hires Writer with Pronouns; YAF Pulls Funding

Well, it finally happened. After a long, harrowing week of the Doily Allergen working under YAF’s supervision, we’ve managed to escape...

Scientists Discover ‘Relentless’ Sexual Tension Between Owalas and Stanleys

While the human need for hydration remains constant, water bottle trends continue to rise and fall like changing tides. From the Yeti and...

Spotted: Barb Wilson Raving with Freshmen at Summit

When people think of a university president, they think of suits and formal business, President Barb Wilson is here to put all those...

Burge Bans Residents From Watching Saltburn Due to Multiple Leaks in Dining Hall

As a result of the popular new movie, Saltburn, many leaks have appeared in the ceiling of Burge Market Place. Saltburn depicts many...

Exchange Student Still Dressed for Summer

I’m sure we’re all grateful for how much Iowa City has been warming up since the first week of the semester, but don’t forget, it’s still...