Oracles Predict: That 5’7 Twink Won’t Save You

So you’re talking to this guy…

He seems a bit different then the rest. He likes your music. He dresses well. He smells of fruity cologne. He likes cats. He uses “:3” while you text. Everything seems to be going well. So what if he's a bit short? He treats you at Gabe’s and takes you on romantic dates in Union Station. Surely this talking stage will be different?

“Run sister. Run as far as thy eye can see.”

Those were the words of the Oracle of Delphi herself, seeming resurrected by the sheer aura of catastrophe that will befall you from this conniving male manipulator. We at the DA got exclusive access for a once in a lifetime interview because we asked really really nicely.

“His love for The Smiths and that Radiohead tattoo does not excuse his current infatuation with his ex.”

This was her second prediction. Huh. It seems he was thinking about her during your Union Station date. Maybe those songs he played on the Mayflower piano really aren’t about you? I mean yes, he might lead you on. But he is hot, right? What is self respect!? This is totally salvageable!!!

“This emo boy shortage does not excuse thy horrid taste in men.”

Oh. I guess we are going back to Bumble!