How To Kiss Your Professor’s Ass If You Didn’t Go To Class This Semester

Uh oh! You just realized that you’re failing that silly Gen Ed because you didn’t go to a single lecture or discussion section all semester! But the grade predictor on Icon says that you could pass the class with a C- if you get a 299% on your final! There’s only one solution: Put on some of your favorite lip balm, pucker up those lips, and kiss that professor’s peachy little ass.

Has this ever happened to you? Well, no worries! We here at the Doily Allergen have prepared a list of useful techniques to help you most effectively kiss your professor’s ass so that maybe they’ll have mercy on you for not showing up to class all semester.

In no particular order, here are some of the Doily’s favorite ass-kissing tips & tricks to help you write that pathetic email:

1. “Hi Dr. [Last Name]! Hope all is well!”

The classic one-two punch. The best way to start any desperate email. Address your professor with that honorific they’ve worked so hard to get and show how you know exactly what it’s like to get a doctorate by writing this carefully-constructed email. Extra points if this professor lets you call them by their first name. Make sure they know that you respect them as a tenured professional regardless of whether or not you couldn’t have been bothered to show up to their lectures.

Follow it up with the “Hope all is well!” Let them know that you care about them. You understand how strenuous the job of a professor is, and you hope they are able to balance work and personal life between all the stress.

But there’s one vital key to this technique that ties it all together and demonstrates your impressive ass-kissing ability: the exclamation point. It’s the ultimate cheat code. Some would say it’s too powerful. Fun fact: the usage of the exclamation point for the purpose of ass-kissing has been banned in three hemispheres around the world because of how powerful it is. It shows some lightheartedness! Some personality! You’re a fun person, and you’ve got a life, so no wonder you had to miss one or two or 28 lectures, and the exclamation point says it all!

2. Grandma’s Funeral

The classic method of establishing some pathos. Pick a grandparent or a pet and—regardless of if they’ve recently passed or not—let your professor know how unexpected and tragic of a blow this has been for you, and how, in lieu of everything you’ve been through, you’ve done your best to stay on track, even if it means taking a couple mental health days.

What’s the matter? Your professor doesn’t buy it? In this situation, it becomes a game of how far you’re willing to go to pass that class. We’re gonna have to rule out lying about the passing of your grandparent and jump to the real deal. If there’s just no way you’re willing to retake this class… well… let’s just say you should pick your least-favorite grandparent and pull the cord a little earlier than expected.

3. The Injury

Another great method to establish some pathos: Break your leg, poke out an eye, amputate an arm, get brain surgery, the list goes on! Then you can hobble into that final exam like you’re Miles Teller in Whiplash and you survived getting hit by a semi just to be there. Really get those suckers at the SDS office working!

The key for this one is to make a scene when you walk in and to draw as much attention to yourself as possible in order to drum up pity from everybody in the room so that your professor just cannot bear to see you fail amidst all the adversity you had to face this semester.

4. Gaslight the Professor

You know what? Is skipping every class this semester really your fault? Maybe the professor should’ve been better at keeping attendance, because you can swear that you were at every lecture this semester. Tell your professor that Top Hat was slow or that the attendance sheet never got to your end of the lecture hall or that all those thorough notes you took every class were in your backpack that was recently stolen. Make sure your professor knows that, had they been better at their job, you would’ve passed.

5. Get Evicted

Intentionally forget to pay your rent so that you can claim to not be able to properly focus on schoolwork while in-between homes. Tell your professor all about how you’ve gone from shelter to hostel to park bench all semester, desperate to find a place to sleep. Hell, sleep on your professor’s doorstep if you have to! Have them walk outside one morning and accidentally kick you to really convince them that you’ve been too worried about your housing situation to attend class.

6. “This has never happened before.”

Let your professor know that this slip up was nothing more than a simple one-off mistake that is not like you at all despite the fact that you’re copy-and-pasting the same desperate email to three of your other professors at the very same time. Cite your mom if you have to. Have her tell your professor what an angel you are, that you aren’t one to miss class, that you deserve some leniency for making one little error.

7. Flee the Country

Your professor can’t fail you if you’re not enrolled as a student! The key to this tip is to drop out of college and smuggle yourself on a cargo freighter across the Atlantic like how they did in Madagascar. Don’t ever take accountability for your actions and ruin your entire life off of this one mistake.

8. Request Assistance From Your Student Advisor

Who better to understand your predicament than your Student Advisor? Nobody else on campus is as sympathetic, reliable, and generous as your Advisor. Everybody knows that Student Advisors always answer their emails promptly and that they truly care about their students well-being and future careers. Duh!

We’re sure that your Advisor would be more than willing to offer you some extra advice on how to handle this situation, or, hell! maybe they’d even be willing to reach out to your professor on your behalf!

9. Humiliation Ritual

If all else fails, pitch a humiliation ritual to your professor. If there’s anything that professors love more than grading 200 essays each semester, it’s humiliating 20-somethings. Tell your professor you’ll ace the Just Dance of Constantinople in front of the class. Tell them you’ll sing an artistic opera rendition of a Kendrick Lamar song. Tell them you’ll filibuster for the entire duration of the final exam. Get creative with this one!

10. “If not, no worries!”

Another classic. This one goes hand-in-hand with the “Hope all is well!” rule. Show your professor that you’re an easy person to work with. You go with the flow. You’re willing to take accountability for skipping every class. Again, the exclamation point is crucial here.

11. Bonus Tip: Arson

Burn the exam hall down. Do it. If you can’t pass, then nobody will. Do it.

We hope that at least one or two of these tips could be of some assistance to you if you’re one of the unfortunate souls to be stuck in this all-to-common predicament! Let us know how your professor’s ass tastes if you try any of these out for yourself!