Tips to Avoid the Senior Waterslide

As the end of the semester approaches, seniors may find themselves struggling to focus on their schoolwork, knowing that the end of their torment is nigh. Unfortunately, the University of Iowa has not made this senioritis epidemic any better with the construction of the senior waterslide.

The senior waterslide draws in unsuspecting seniors just trying to get a handle on the last few weeks of their college career, cascading them into a world of fun and excitement that distracts entirely from their classes. If you want to avoid succumbing to the waterslide’s wiles, read on.

Tip 1. Do not, under any circumstances, approach the waterslide.

Tip 2. If you do approach the waterslide, do not touch the waterslide.

Tip 3. If you do touch the waterslide, immediately run away as far as you can. Otherwise, your mind will fall so deeply into its grasp that you will never again notice the passage of time, nor experience the grim satisfaction of barely scraping by on a course.

Tip 4. If you ever regain your scholastic consciousness while on the waterslide, topple forward at the bottom of the Pentacrest hill to give yourself a concussion and ensure that the University escorts you from the premises.

Tip 5. DO NOT RETURN TO WITHIN 500 FEET OF THE WATERSLIDE ONCE YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY ESCAPED IT. If you do, there is nothing that can be done to save you.

Good luck!