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  • Grace McCabe

Not Our Fault: The Recession Wouldn’t Have Happened If You, Kyle, Hadn’t Spent So Much On Defense

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The Recession Wouldn’t Have Happened If You, Kyle, Hadn’t Spent So Much On National Defense This Year

These are dark times indeed. Millions of Americans are out on the streets, unable to find food or shelter. Unemployment has risen to a staggering 170%. Hooters has gone out of business. Everywhere you turn, you can find children as young as 3 years old huddled around a dumpster fire warming their hands and playing with rusty nails and AK-47s.

You are looking at a nation in turmoil. There was so much money allotted to our national defense budget this year that there wasn’t even so much as a penny left over for anything else. We as a country overdrew way too much and now our dad is gonna be mad at us.

But rest easy, your government is not responsible for this dystopian hellscape that you all now find yourselves suffering through with no respite or hope for the future. This was completely the fault of Kyle, a high schooler from northern Michigan. Kyle is a staunch defender of our beautiful country, and he has always been disappointed at the lack of blind patriotic fanaticism from his classmates. In order to make up for their weak, apathetic attitudes towards national defense, Kyle personally purchased a staggering amount of F-16 jets and surface-to-air missiles (plus 17 hydrogen bombs for personal use), running up a bill totaling trillions of dollars for the greater good.

But never fear! As the overwhelming majority of our populace is left with no choice but to fight their own children over the last scraps of food, our capital and its inhabitants are thriving. In these bleak and uncertain times, it is more important than ever to protect our weakened country from those who will want to take advantage of us. Our shining capital city has been rebuilt out of real gold, the better to blind our enemies as the sun glints off our towering skyscrapers and into their eyes. Kyle’s weapons have been seized and auctioned off in the local DC area. We are all driving around in massive tanks and some even have hot tubs in the back of them (like one of those limos you see on MTV’s ‘Pimp My Ride’). Pretty cool, right? When the malevolent powers that be attempt to strike us down at our lowest point, we will be ready. In fact, it might be wise to play offensive defense, and preemptively strike at our enemies while we have the advantage of surprise.

We know how tasty your friend is starting to look, but just hold on. Kyle is scrambling through his coat pockets to try and rustle up some spare cash that his grandma gave him for his 20th birthday, so he might be able to get us out of this nightmare soon. Not that we should thank him – he’s the one that caused this mess in the first place. If he doesn’t come up with the cash soon, we’ll hand him over to our enemies as collateral and it’ll be a War on Kyle. But he deserves it. Kyle has completely wrecked this nation’s credit score.


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