Opinion: I Would Beat President Barbara J. Wilson 6-0 in a Tennis Match

If you were to ask almost any student at the University of Iowa if they could beat President Wilson in a tennis match, they would likely answer yes. Even if they had almost no experience in tennis. The difference between me and any other student at the University of Iowa though is how badly I would pummel ol’ Barb into the ground.

However, this is not due to the fact that I have over 7 years of experience with tennis, or because I’ve got a kick serve with the power of a silverback gorilla, or even because Barbara is old and feeble. This all comes down to one thing: I want it more than the third monkey wants to get on Noah’s Ark as the rain begins to pour.

This is how it would go. The ump would do his coin toss. Obviously I win, because I am a winner and Barb is a loser. She has lost since the day she was born. I choose to serve first. Now, assuming the old bird has any experience in tennis (she doesn’t, I checked), she is going to pick the side with her back to the sun, forcing me to serve with the light in my eyes. This doesn’t matter. All my serves are aces. She feels like she’s drowning while I’m on my side of the court humping the air. I win the first game.

It’s time for the second game. But I’m already in Barbara’s head. She’s up to serve now. She tosses up the ball and serves it at the inside corner. I return it with ease and then rush the net because my nuts are big, and my ego is even bigger. She manages to send the ball back and we get a volley going. Good. This is what I wanted.

As she returns the ball to me, I wind up. I take a deep breath. Time stops. “Murder time.” I whisper to myself as the ball meets my devious forehand. I send the ball back at her so hard it catches fire. I hit her square in the chest and put a hole clean through her body resulting in an automatic win for Team Tyler. I then meet her at the net and we shake hands because good sportsmanship is what it’s all about, baby.