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  • Doily Allergen

Report: Barbara Wilson vs Wilson’s Orchard: Is the University in the Pocket of Big Barb?

wilson's orchard

When I was first assigned to inspect the tenuous link between Wilson’s Apple Orchard and University of Iowa President Barbara Wilson I thought it was the dumbest thing anybody had ever pitched. It really seemed like they were grasping at nothing, with no foreseeable pay off for such a sweaty idea in the first place. I labored for days wondering whether I should even waste my time on this asinine concept or just shrug it off onto one of our more easily pleased staff members. But upon further investigation I may have stumbled onto a conspiracy that goes deeper than I ever could have imagined.

So far, Barbara Wilson has been an elusive figure. Unlike her predecessor, Wilson is not one to make public appearances. She seemingly just does her job and keeps her head low. That’s what I thought anyway. See, the reason we don’t hear much out of the president’s mouth is that she’s being paid off to stay quiet. Barbara Wilson doesn’t own Wilson’s Orchard. No. Wilson’s Orchard owns her.

The truth is there is no Barbara Wilson. The woman we call president is actually a puppet doing the bidding of the local apple orchard. Her real name is Natalia Cremers. She hails from Racine, Wisconsin, and until recently worked in business analytics. Then one day, Natalia witnessed a horrific event that caused her to go into hiding. Wilson’s Apple Orchard, working in conjunction with the Witness Protection Program, offered her asylum so long as she became a puppet for them among the halls of the University of Iowa.

Now here’s where things really get sinister. Cremers is not the only university plant. By my calculations, at least 25% of University students are not actual people. They are robots constructed by Wilson’s to poison the community with fall spirit. You ever wonder why a seemingly innocuous apple orchard is suddenly all people can take about come autumn? It’s because every year when the first leaf falls, the sleeper robots are programmed to crave apple cider and pumpkin spice, leading them to (you guessed it) Wilson’s Apple Orchard. Those sleeper cells post pictures of themselves amongst the apple trees, causing the actual college students to want to plan a day trip as well, thus driving up Wilson’s profits.

But where does Barbara factor into all of this? My sources weren’t quite sure as to her involvement in this mysterious plot, but all signs point to a complete board takeover by Wilson’s within the next 2-3 years. If this were to happen, who knows what would become of the University? Would we swap out gender studies for cobbler studies? Would Tippie become a mill for producing the finest apple brandy? Would STEM classes now teach students to carve pumpkins?

I don’t know. All I know is I’m afraid.


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