Bruce Harreld Officially Selects Moose Barreld As Next UI President
It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: the University of Iowa’s new president was announced earlier this morning by current President Bruce Harreld. In a speech outside the President’s Residence this morning, President Bruce Harreld announced his replacement to a crowd of swarming reporters, all wanting to snag a pic of the new Big Daddy of the Big 10.
“Thank you all for coming today,” Harreld began. “As many of you know, everyone here hates me… like a lot. You all are really unfair and very mean to me, and so I have decided to tender my resignation as President of the University of Iowa.”
Cheers erupted from the crowd, but President Harreld soldiered on. “And so now comes the time to name my replacement. I would like to introduce you all to Mr. Moose Barreld, come on out here Moose!” The confused crowd looked on as President Harreld awkwardly scampered down the stage and behind a black curtain. Then suddenly, a new figure appeared from behind the curtain. Aside from large glasses and a mustache, the man sported all of Harreld’s features exactly.
“Hello everyone, my name is Moose Barreld, I use he/him/his pronouns and I am so honored to serve as your next President of the University of Iowa,” Barreld said to the crowd.
“Hey… you look an awful lot like Bruce Herrald,” one reporter said. “Is there a reason you two look almost identical except for glasses and a mustache?”
“Yes… Um… Well, I… We’re twins. Me and Bruce are twins. Next question,” responded a flustered Barreld. Everyone in the crowd began to notice his sweaty upper lip, yet another classic similarity to Bruce Herreld.
“Wait, but you two have different last names! How can you be twins?” One student shouted.
“D-did I say twins? I meant doppelgangers. Yes I am Bruce Harreld’s doppelganger, that’s right,” shouted Barreld, frantically wiping his brow with a handkerchief with the initials “B.H” embroidered on it.
“Can we get a picture with you and Bruce, Mr. Barreld?” one reporter from the Daily Iowan asked.
“No you may not that’s all the time we have goodbye,” Barreld said, running off the stage as reporters frantically yelled questions after him.
The Doily Allergen managed to catch Barreld as he was leaving the event.
“Mr. Barreld, I’m with the Doily Allergen, mind if we ask you a few questions?” I asked.
“Not at all!” Barreld replied. “I love the Doily Allergen! You guys have some great articles!”
We were taken aback by this… Bruce Harreld was a known enemy of the Doily Allergen, but this guy loved our website. We had to get to the bottom of this.
“What do you make of the allegations that you, Mr. Barreld, are simply Bruce Harreld dressed up in a fake mustache in glasses in an attempt to keep your job as President of the University?”
“What seems to be all the hubbub over here?” said a familiar voice. The entire crowd around us gasped as former President Bruce Harreld pushed his way through the crowd to stand next to Moose. “You Doily Allergen fake news better leave poor Moose alone, you know he gets flustered talking to reporters!”
Moose Barreld really was different from Bruce Harreld! For the first time in our many, many years of reporting… The Doily Allergen had made a mistake. We quickly apologized to Moose and high-tailed it out of there. And it just goes to show: you should never judge a Barreld by its Bruce. We for one welcome our new President and wish him a happy and successful term.