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  • Doily Allergen

Coronavirus Reluctantly Agrees To Terms Of New Safety Mandate


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Following the news of Governor Kim Reynolds’s new mask mandate, the coronavirus said that it will be reluctantly following the terms of the new safety precautions. Members of Reynolds’s staff reported that COVID-19 sat down with Reynolds to discuss the virus’s incredibly irresponsible behavior over the last several months, including ignoring safety mandates.


“Yeah, I guess I’ll agree to it,” the coronavirus said, rolling its eyes. “But you can bet your ass I’m gonna be grumbling to myself and kicking at the ground the whole time.”


The virus was particularly upset about the new limits to restaurant hours, which have been condensed to between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m.


“I’ll have to fit in all my usual spreading into those hours, as if I didn’t have enough on my plate” COVID-19 said. “I’ll be missing out on the swarms of people getting Chili’s at 1:45 a.m., plus everyone knows 6 a.m. to 10 p.m. is a down time for restaurants. But on the other hand, Kimmy was nice enough to keep drive-through services open beyond those hours. I have to pat myself on the back for negotiating that one.”


The coronavirus was impartial toward one of the mandate’s key provisions about limiting the size of social gatherings to 15, cryptically saying “that’ll be plenty.”


COVID-19 told reporters that although it hoped to walk away with more, it considers the current safety mandate to be a win-win, especially given that “it won’t make much of a difference to all the people who didn’t care about the last one.”


“Don’t tell Kimmy I said that though,” the virus said with a chuckle. “I think she still thinks she got the better end of the deal.”

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