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  • Doily Allergen

UI Single Reserves All of Pullman For A Good Steak Alone with His Despair


person alone at pullman's diner

Iowa City couples are infuriated that in the week leading up to Valentine’s Day, they found popular date spot Pullman Bar & Grill completely booked all day on February 14th. The reason? UI Sophmore Alan Lone, who has been single for “five fucking years” just wanted to eat a good steak without being beaten over the head “by people who think they are in love”.


“The steaks at Pullman are the best and I see no reason why I should be deprived of that because of something as temporary and futile as a relationship. I will try not to enjoy my time. This is a somber day. Even if the waitress will always refill my water cup right away.” Lone insisted, even with the continued mention of his $25 meal (not including the generous tip Lone has promised to leave), “I will stand with all other single people everywhere. In the end, this is my protest.” He raised one of his gangly arms into the air to no effect.


When asked if he had any regrets about not inviting any of his friends Lone backtracked, “It’s actually going to be pretty lonely in there, huh? You don’t have plans do you? I mean no pressure. I only got reservations for a party of one but I think they should at least have counter seating…. No I don’t need a tissue I’m not even crying.”


Waitstaff at Pullman has been briefed on Lone’s emotional state and plan on leaving extra napkins on his table but generally leaving him to be alone with his beef. They are pretty excited at the opportunity to sneak out of work to hook up with their significant others.

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