10 Steps to Avoid Being Single On Valentine’s Day

Love will be in the air… mark our words…

It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, and you know what that means: The happily loving will dance and sing within the streets like it’s Grease, while the hordes of the lonely will stew in their rooms, moaning and groaning about how awful life is. Luckily, dear reader, we at the Doily Allergen have come up with a foolproof 10-part plan to shake off that single status and get into someone else’s pants for once instead of your own. 

Step 1: Make a Good First Impression

As we all know, first impressions are the most important thing about any relationship, romantic or otherwise. If your prospective date doesn’t find you carnally alluring, it’s just not gonna work, bucko. So, take a shower for once in your life, do up your hair, grab your sexiest suit and tie or your most dashing dress, cause you’ve gotta be dressed to kill.

Step 2: Hit Out on the Town

Where do hot singles in our area go on Valentine’s Day? Well, where they go every other Friday, of course! The bars! The frigid weather won’t stop them, and that means it sure as hell can’t stop you. We’d recommend Gabe’s; It’s just dim enough in there.

Step 3: Find Milton

Milton will be working the bar that night. You won’t recall a Milton ever tending a bar anywhere in Iowa City, but he will be there. He has an allure to him, but it is anything but carnal, and you can never get a good look at his eyes before he turns. Ask him for the “Mint Tumbler”. He’ll give you a drink. Settle the tab, and check the back of your receipt. 

Step 4: Go Into the Alley

In the alley, there will be two men smoking to mask the fact that no fog comes out when they breathe. They’ll be dressed in janitor’s uniforms, but it’ll be much too cold to be wearing that outside. They won’t seem bothered. They won’t seem bothered by anything, really. Don’t try to get their attention; it won’t work. Just say the phrase on the receipt. They’ll look at you with pitch black eyes and walk away. You’ll see them later.

Step 5: Buy Supplies

Every good date needs supplies. You’ll need a 16oz sirloin steak, 14 candles, a calendar, a steel nail, a hammer, a paring knife, and wire cutters. Don’t go home.

Step 6: Go to 317 North Hall

No one should be there when you enter. Ignore the lights, which won’t turn on, no matter how many times you flip the switch. Ignore the stairs, going up and down further than they should. Ignore any wailing—that’s just our friends from earlier doing their job. Find the room. Slice your finger with the knife, and draw a bloody heart on the 14th in the calendar. Nail it to the door. Enter.

Step 7

Step 7 happens inside the room. You won’t know what it is you did, but you’ll emerge with a bloody pair of wire cutters, one less finger, and a black cat, curled in your arms.

Step 8: Follow the Cat Into the Forest

The cat will not show much affection, but you should be used to that by now. It will lead you, and you must follow. Out of North Hall, off campus, into the forest beyond. Forests become invisible at night, lost within the darkness, and yet you’ll always be able to see the cat, because its darkness is darker. Follow it until it vanishes, until you find the altar, where the moonlight shines brightest, where the sigils and old names are carved upon the stone. Milton and the janitors will be there, waiting. Kneel at the center while they light the candles.

Step 9: Slice Your Neck Upon the Altar

As the blood pools, seeping into the runes, feel for something just beyond the veil, behind the facade of reality you can see and feel. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, but this isn’t what they meant. A thousand voices call to you, begging, pleading to be let in—yes!—for the first time in your life, you are wanted, truly, in body and mind, flesh and soul! A new year, new age, new you! Hark! Annihilation!

Step 10: Let Them In

Loved, truly loved. Can it be so? Fools, those mortals were, for not seeing the beauty, brimming, bursting within you. Now what of them? Screams distant, but a ringing in your ascendant ear. What for? Shadows, blacker than the blackest night, fall over Iowa City, swallowing the streets, and, ha, of course! This is why you bought the steak. You need not cook it; everything is already done. You need not utensils; your hands will do. As your eyes glaze over, as shadows wash the world, have a nice meal with your date. It’s Valentine’s Day, after all.

We hope this guide was helpful for all you eligible bachelorfolk out there! Happy Valentine’s!