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  • Doily Allergen

Bruce Harreld Passes Time in Presidential Bunker With Animal Crossing, Cockfights, and Fits of Rage

bruce harreld playing animal crossing

In an undisclosed location deep underneath the University of Iowa campus, Bruce Harreld has joined the Animal Crossing fad on his new Nintendo Switch he took from a vacated dorm room. After 120 hours of logged gameplay he is still struggling.

“All of my villagers left my island without me kicking them out. They didn’t agree with my housing prices. So, I sent an email out to the student body with my switch ID and no one wanted to become friends with me. I guess I don’t understand the appeal of watching a lamb in a skirt fish since when I haven’t seen the sun in weeks. I blame the internet down here.”

The Presidential Bunker, which is rumored to be about the same size as Kinnick Stadium for no reason whatsoever, was famous for its wild cockfights during the Cold War. A former dean said, “Those commies and their warheads can’t get in the way of a good cock.” Harreld is open to bringing them back, despite the social nature of the activity.

“Gambling on cockfights is just no fun by yourself. There’s just nothing like the light draining out of a man’s eyes when your rooster is the one that draws the first blood. I enjoy betting with other people’s money, especially if they are no non-tenured professors who are trying to get benefits and just threw their shirt into the pot. Most of my normal bros that like to watch these majestic bird duels are riding it out in the Caribbean or Florida, but they are going to see if they can zoom in. Do you know if Venmo will still do direct deposits to banks in Turks and Caicos? This is usually a cash and cashier’s check only thing.”

Even the President of the university gets a little stir crazy, so we had to ask him what he does when he feels like pressing his red panic button that blows up Kinnick Stadium, ending it all. That’s just the building he chose randomly, there is no correlation with the bunker. None.

“Well that’s when I just take another shot of my Johnnie Walker Platinum 18 Year Blended Scotch Whisky, turn on some Super Eurobeat music, and fucking rage. I have broken many priceless school artifacts and have absolutely no regrets. I may not be able to farm animals or whatever but I was a Dance Dance Revolution MASTER.”


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