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  • Jayce Bertrand

Power Café Announces New Protein Mix for Smoothies (It’s Cum)

Man sleeping next to penis pump.

We’ve had a week away from school, a week to show off our abs and our asses and every other desirable feature of a beach body, and the results are in. yikes. Don’t get me wrong, we’re all doing as good as we can, but in regards to the males of our species, too many of us are walking around looking like Timothee Chalamet with sickle-cell anemia. Bulking season has come and gone, and now it’s time for shredding season. Luckily, our very own Power Cafe has offered a trendy new ingredient in their shakes: cum.

It is found that the average protein concentration of semen is 5040 milligrams per 100 milliliter. Since the average ejaculation contains 5 milliliters of semen, you can expect 252 milligrams of protein from each nut. Furthermore, semen contains vitamin C, B12, ascorbic acid, calcium, citric acid, fructose, lactic acid, magnesium, zinc, potassium, sodium, fat, and hundreds of different proteins (I literally looked all this up and I’m fucking traumatized). With all that crazy stuff having a fun little creamy party in your shake, you’ll be sure to get shredded in no time!

The process is simple. While the normal workers stay in the cafe and mix the smoothies, a special team of “milkers” collects the semen in the basement underneath the gym using a special machine (see Jordan Peterson’s Twitter for further elaboration on that). I was able to get in contact with Quanky, the designated “supplier” of the semester.

“It was weird at first,” said Quanky. “I showed up to my first day of work at the cafe, and then they led me into this secret room under the gym, and all of a sudden they strapped me up to a gurney and started playing “Poetic Justice’ by Kendrick Lamar. I was scared when they brought out the sucking machine, but after the first few rounds, I started to get into it. Drizzy Drake really puts you in the mood, you know?”

“They really treat me like something more than a team member,” Quanky stated in regards to the treatment he received as a supplier. “Someone brings me some sliced pepperoni and pineapple juice every few hours, so that’s definitely a plus. Every Friday, the whole team surrounds me wearing black hoods and lights a bunch of candles. After cutting off the head of a chicken over my bare chest, they hail Paimon, and then leave me be. It was definitely creepy the first few times, but I was able to meet the guy in a week-long fever dream, and he’s really chill. I look forward to our meetings now.”

That was the end of the conversation, as it was a Friday night, and the rest of Quanky’s coworkers showed up in their black hoods, as expected. I wanted to stay, but they made it very clear that outsiders weren’t welcome. Who knows, YOU may be the next lucky team member to become a supplier! Applications will be linked below. If you’re not up for the challenge, though, the Power Cafe invites each and every resident of Iowa City to come down and try out their new recipe. I’ve already tried it six times, and I’ll certainly be coming back for more!

Author’s Note: Please for the love of fuck don’t drink your own cum nor anyone else’s cum please don’t please don’t please don’t


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