Satire No Longer Possible: Doily Allergen Gives Up

If you’re like us, you may have noticed that the world is getting more and more ridiculous with each passing day. Even renowned—if inferior—publications such as the Onion and Clickhole have been struggling to keep up pace with their satire. 

Of course, per official policy, we would never admit to writing satire (as the only newspaper on campus, we have a mandate to report only the facts!), but if we were to hypothetically be satirists, it would seem like it’s getting harder and harder to keep that up.

Satire has to be more absurd than the world it’s parodying, but our world simply continues to increase our bewilderment by the day. How the fuck are we supposed to parody DOGE? Or actual, literal fascism somehow conducted by a band of wily idiots? Or any of the millions of progressively absurd things that happen every day that nobody can keep track of? It’s too much! Too much, we tell you!

So, yeah, we’re done. We’re giving up. Sorry. No more Doily Allergen for you. We can’t keep this up. But, y’know, keep following us, in case something miraculous happens and we just so happen to come back at the start of next semester. Not that that will happen. And also we aren’t satire so none of this should matter but, uh, don’t think about it. We’re your only reliable news source, and also we’re shutting down forever, so we guess you’re just screwed.

Well, that’s that. World’s ending. Satire’s dead. (Even though we only report facts.) The Doily Allergen is no more. Forever. And definitely not just for the summer. Why are we even writing this? It’s so not relevant to us.

Anyway. That’s all, folks! Have a good one.