11 Things You Can Pretend to Be Doing Instead of Grabbing a Condom from the Hallway Bag in Your Dorm
Picture this: you’re with your special someone in your dorm room, and your roommate is out for the evening. Things are getting hot and heavy on your futon. But before you take things to the next level, you need to grab a taxpayer-funded condom from the bag stapled to your bulletin board in the hallway. You slip into your Nike slides, head dizzily down the hallway, and are about to select the perfect rubber when, suddenly, you’re forced out of your lust and into conversation with your friendly, sexless RA. Innocently standing in front of the condom bag as you try to hold your horny self together, she chats about floor meetings and finals and—oh no—“so what are you up to this evening?” There’s no easy way out of this one.
If this situation sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Society has made great strides in previous decades when it comes to sex positivity. However, talking about sex amongst peers often remains taboo and can make for awkward experiences. And although the University has provided free condoms to every residence hall floor, students must retrieve them from a centrally located, highly visible, brightly colored bag. It’s like announcing to your floormates, “Hey everyone! I have sexual intercourse! And I do it just a couple doors down!”
Fortunately, the fear of conspicuous copulation doesn’t have to stop you from getting freaky (and doing it safely). Here are 11 things you can pretend to be doing the next time someone encounters you grabbing a condom in the residence halls.
1. Running laps
If there’s one thing everybody respects, it’s someone who prioritizes fitness. Exploit this form of social capital while grabbing a condom by breaking into a brisk jog when someone passes by. Keep running back and forth down the hall until the coast is clear. You’ll avoid sexual stigma while letting everyone know you work out.
2. Going into cardiac arrest
If someone sees you grabbing a condom, it can be hard to think of the right thing to say. Fortunately, someone who is having a heart attack doesn’t have to say anything, except perhaps a labored “call an ambulance!” Simply stumble to the ground, clutch your chest, and let out a couple pathetic groans. No one will have time to worry about your sexual activity when they’re seeking medical attention for you.
3. Talking on the phone with Bridget A. Brink, the US Ambassador to Ukraine
Use the hand you were using to reach into the condom bag to urgently whip out your phone and say, “Ambassador Brink! Did the State Department provide updates regarding Putin’s latest actions in the Donbas region?” As we all know, the Russian invasion of Ukraine is a very serious situation, and anyone speaking with the US Ambassador to Ukraine must have urgent matters to discuss regarding the conflict. No one will interrupt you to question your sex life.
4. Carefully deciding whether you should use the bathroom or get a drink of water
This is a good trick to remember if your hall’s condom bag is located near the restroom/water fountain area. Everyone knows what it’s like to walk past the restrooms and water fountains, both thirsty and needing to pee, and not know which of your biological needs is more urgent. Pretend to be making this important decision as someone walks by you picking up a condom by scratching your head, glancing between the water fountain and restrooms, and saying “hmmm.” Any passerby will know to leave you in peace to think through your options.
5. Reviewing the UHD Inclusive Communities policy
Most residence halls actually have a built-in awkwardness avoidance system alongside their condom bags that you may not have considered! Next to the bulletin board should be a sign detailing the University Housing and Dining Inclusive Communities statement, which gives important instructions on how not to be racist. Pretending to read it while someone passes by will not only protect you from condom-related judgment, but also indicate to your neighbors that you are prepared to tolerate them.
6. Waving at your buddy Joe down the hall
Other people can make for the perfect dick-straction when you need one, even if they don’t exist! If someone encounters you grabbing a condom, pretend to see your buddy Joe down the hall. Give him a big wave, smile brightly, and say “Joe! My man! What’s up homie?” This will indicate to the passerby that you 1. have friends, 2. have someone more important to focus on right now, and 3. are definitely not horny right now, as your relationship with Joe is purely platonic. (If they turn to look for Joe, you can shake your head and say “my man Joe, always slipping in and out of the shadows, gone as silently as he appeared.”)
7. Dumping out the condoms as an act of protest against this godless society
If you’re particularly insecure about your sexuality, one option is to eliminate any notion of you approving of sex before it even begins. Simply take the bag and defiantly dump all of the condoms onto the floor. For added emphasis, you can quote 1 Thessalonians 4:3, “For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication.” This trick works particularly well for when you’ve already been caught with your hand in the condoms.
8. Communicating with the ghost who lives in the walls
This tactic is similar to #6, except instead of talking to a made-up person, you can talk to a real, actual spirit. Knock on the wall a few times to let the ghost know you’re there, then softly ask her something nice, like if she’s pleased with the behavior of the students in the dorm or what type of food you should bring her from the dining halls as an offering. Again, any onlookers will know that you clearly have someone better to talk to right now.
9. Forgetting which room is yours
We all have our forgetful moments. If someone passes you near the condom bag, look around with a confused expression and ask them to help you remember which room is yours. If they’re really a good Samaritan, they will help you locate your room (use extra caution with this tactic so that they don’t see your sexual partner while bringing you to your door, which would defeat the entire purpose).
10. Putting up flyers for the Salt Company
If you’re someone who frequents the condom bag, it may be a good idea to keep a stack of flyers for SaltCo. Hanging flyers for this Christian campus ministry is a sure sign that you are the last person who would ever have sex—that is, outside of a legally ordained, heterosexual, Biblical marriage.
11. Wear the Herky suit
Sometimes you simply can’t avoid other people when you’re trying to get your rubbers. That’s why any serious sex-haver should consider investing in a Herky suit. Putting on the persona of our beloved Hawkeye mascot means that you can simply walk down the hallway and grab your condom without worrying about being identified—no one will tell it’s you underneath those gorgeously dark eyes and fiercely bared bird-teeth. You may wonder if doing so will hurt Herky’s wholesome reputation as our school mascot, but fear not: everyone knows Herky gets laid, a ton.
There you have it: 11 foolproof ways to avoid judgment at the condom bag. Now go forth and have the safe sex life of your dreams!