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Crucifact or Crucifixion: The TRUE Nature of Good Friday

Jonathan Frakes holding a golden cross with text reading "Crucifact or Crucifixion"

WHAT’S UP, gamers and readers of the EXTREMELY fabulous Doily Allergen? Today, I’m coming at you LIVE (or as live as the written word can get) with some real, bona-fide commentary on the most iconic holiday in the Christian church: Good Friday.


Now, now, I know what you’re thinking: how could there POSSIBLY be anything new to say about this old holiday? Well, newsflash, defiant person reading this, originality has BEEN dead. If you watched even a second of that Netflix Avatar remake, you can read my brilliant think piece. 


The main point of contention I have with the topic at hand is not the theming or what not—I vibe with it! I think all black in a church setting goes kinda hard, ngl. No, my issue is with the name of the thing: Good Friday. Is that really the best they could come up with? And, is this day even good at all? We gotta unpack the crucifacts on this crucifixion and discuss whether or not this Friday’s got the goods.


Firstly, this is CLEARLY not the best that the Christian church could come up with. Is the religion that gave us #bangers like the names “Christmas” and “Epiphany” and “All-Saints Day” really going to leave us high and dry with a name like “Good Friday”? It’s not even the best name of the Holy Week crew. I mean, you got a baller start with a name like Palm Sunday. This day clearly knows what it’s all about: palm branches. Kind of a big deal. 


And then you have the classic of Maundy Thursday, which is… also not a strong one. To be honest, I don’t think the meaning of the word Maundy is very well known. Some people might think it’s Monday Thursday, which is wrong but still kinda #awesome. It’s the contradictory mistakes like this that really get people coming back to church again and again. Seriously, there is so much church this week.


And to cap off the week, you got one of the most celebrated of the bunch: Easter: the day we celebrate Jesus’s resurrection by renting rabbit fursuits and placing candy in plastic eggs for children to find and wild animals to choke on. It’s a day of celebration and true joy, representing a triumph over the grave and forgiveness or whatever.


But the day of Jesus’s death is called Good Friday, which sounds absolutely awful. Could you imagine the day of your death being called “good”? I think I’d be a little insulted or at the very LEAST peeved. Like, wow. Really goes to show how much I mean to you. Couldn’t even call the day “Not the Best Friday” or “Too Bad Jesus Had to Dieday”. No wonder he didn’t stick around for too long after coming back. Really makes you think. 


“But hold on,” you may say, as a disgruntled reader. “It’s called Good Friday because he wouldn’t be able to resurrect if he didn’t die first.” And to that I say, now we’re too far in the opposite direction. If it’s supposed to be THAT great that this guy died for sins or something, why isn’t the day more highly esteemed. It should be called “Awesome Friday” or “We’re so STOKED That This Guy Diedday”. Why is this day of all days taking a B grade if it’s supposed to be that important? The word “good” is a boring, middle ground word that confuses more than it explains. Every English major’s worst nightmare. 


My suggestion is the best of both worlds: we eliminate the adjective altogether. From now on, the day could be known as Friday, or even an all-caps FRIDAY if you’re feeling #zesty about it. The description no longer confuses or muddles the meaning and it can stand right up alongside the other Christian holidays in its own special way. It’s intriguing. It’s powerful. It’s captivating. And most importantly of all, it’s #good.

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