Dead Raccoon Behind Mayflower “So Lana Del Ray-Core”
As the sun rose on the early Sunday morning, few stirred in their beds, still exhausted from the debauchery of the prior night. However, as they slept soundly, the world was changing outside. A raccoon, a common sight in Iowa, was enjoying a gluttonous meal, courtesy of the student body’s wasteful tendencies. Drunk off his own indulgence, the raccoon teetered on the edge of the dumpster before slipping and crashing onto the pavement below, snapping his neck and immediately dying. Now, a dead raccoon is also a common sight in Iowa, but this particular raccoon had died with his left hand outstretched, his two middle-fingers just barely touching the butt of a cigarette.
The sight was first discovered by Ambidextrous Jones, a self-proclaimed “Lana Girl” who was taking out the trash. Seeing the body of the scavenger, just barely grasping his tobacco-ladden prize, it was a sight to behold from her. Thinking back to photos of lipstick stains on cigarettes and manipulating men online, Jones was hit with a wave of nostalgia, and took a photo to cement the occasion. This photo was posted on YikYak, with the caption, “this is so Lana Del Ray-core”.
Like a match to a gas tank, the picture exploded. Anyone who had ever listened to “Summertime Sadness” flocked to the scene, guys and girls alike. The body was fenced off with comically-small velvet ropes, and a plaque was installed next to the animal’s feet, proclaiming the miracle of this site. It was as if a festival had been set up right outside Mayflower; lipsticks were traded, guys were convinced by baddies to paint their nails, and cigarettes, so many cigarettes, were smoked. So much nicotine was consumed at this site that Big Tobacco reported a 250% increase in Marlboro sales. They set up booths next to the raccoon’s body, selling more of their sticks of love, promising users that by smoking them, they too would become “so Lana Del Ray-core”.
And what about that raccoon, the little critter who started all of this? He declined to answer any of our questions, but as he continued to sit there and desperately reach for a prize he could never win, nature began to take its course. Flies, worms, and maggots, none of whom liked questions for the culture, began to eat away at the dead animal’s flesh. Try as they might, no one could not stop the carcass from returning to the dust. At the last minute, like the grave of an angel, the University of Iowa stepped in, collecting the body from Mayflower and ensuring that their best taxidermists would work around the clock to preserve this miracle. Millions of dollars poured into the venture, so much so that the University had to sell Mayflower just to keep the project going.
It was all worth it in the end. Just two weeks after he was first discovered, the raccoon was unveiled at the Old Capitol Museum, still reaching out to that cigarette butt in his Lana glory. For the low, low price of $250 dollars, you too can get a look at our little buddy, and get a glimpse at how truly “Lana” he really is!