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  • Tessa Ramsden

Dear Doily: I Just Took a Swim in the Iowa River and Now I Glow

green lorax

Dear Doily,

The weather is getting warmer every day, and the stress of finals on top of that is starting to make me sweat a bit. So last night, I decided to cool off by going for a swim. 

The rec center is always way too crowded for me, and I don’t want to risk running into those 80 year old men like you talked about last week. Instead, it felt much safer and smarter to go swimming in the brown cesspit that flows through the middle of campus known as the Iowa River.

I jumped off the banks by the IMU, and while the water felt a lot more slimy than I was expecting, the cold certainly gave the shock to my system that I was looking for! 

I followed the current down towards Hancher and heard the excited “woah” sounds of stoners who thought I was a really big fish or something. At one point, a golf ball landed in the water next to me, but I just threw it back in the direction it came from and instead opted to turn around and go against the current. 

This was a lot harder than I expected, and I eventually had to pull myself out by the rowing team’s little cabin and walk back to my dorm all damp and sad like a wet cat. I toweled off and fell into my bed before sleeping better than I had all semester, but when I woke up this morning I realized right away that something was different.

You know that kid that glows in the Lorax? That’s me now. I guess the river was really just as sus as everyone says. What should I do? Am I going to get penalized for being a distraction in class if I show up bright green?



Dear Wesley,

Congratulations on helping to establish the Lorax as taking place in the same universe as us! We can’t wait to let this dystopia grow.

Our main piece of advice is to show up to every single study that sends out mass emails. Whether or not they are looking for someone like you, once they see you they will change their whole research project and all the “compensation” for the other test subjects will go to you instead.

Our other recommendation is to start working as a DJ at raves. People would go crazy for a glowing DJ. I can see Studio 13 hiring you at least twice a week. It’s sounding like you don’t need to worry about attending classes anymore; you’ve got so many other ways to get the bag!

Oh, did you mean what should you do about the glowing? Not about going to class? Uhhhhh yeah sorry buddy can’t help you there. Maybe dare your friends to also swim in the river so you won’t be the only weird glowing guy in the group?

Best of luck on your future endeavors!

Yours Truly,

The Doily Allergen


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