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  • Doily Allergen

Grandmaster in “Overwatch” stunned to discover he has D+ in every class


gamer hunched over

UI student Thatch Gorman, who after several hundred hours of gameplay has reached the rank of Grandmaster in “Overwatch,” stared at his computer screen absolutely baffled by the unbroken row of “D’s” in his ICON gradebook.


“I don’t understand,” said Gorman “With well over 5,000 experience points in competitive play mode, I don’t see how I could possibly perform so poorly in every one of my classes. All the perks and skins my hero has unlocked—the way I’ve meticulously developed my aim control so I can dish out head shots—I should be nailing these exams on Modern African History and Gender Studies.”


Despite dedicating “basically all of [his] time” to mastering all three hero types available in the PC game, Gorman remained confused as to how that would affected his focus, time management, and ability to write papers on the complex socio-economic developments culminating in America’s 2nd wave feminism.

“I’ve spent 6-8 hours every night this month hunched over my keyboard, snorting Ritalin, and fending off opposing players from our choke points with very few missteps,” Gorman said, “So what the hell is going on with my academic performance?”


Flipping back and forth between internet tabs displaying his 61% average for the semester, and his expansive gamer profile boasting several hundred medals and a ranking 306th best player in the nation, Gorman was lost for words, gesticulating at the screen wildly.


“It’s like my professors are all out to get me. If they only knew how versatile my skills are in PC first person shooters; sharp-shooting, healing, clicking really fast—why is none of that reflected in my test scores?”

When asked how he indented to boost his grades before finals week, Gorman absentmindedly smiled and said, “Yeah, Overwatch is awesome isn’t it?”

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