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  • Ashley Cimarolli

Headless Horseman Finds He Does Not Have a Lot to Give


headless horseman

The famous mythical horseman recently discovered he does not have a lot to give. I mean, for Christ’s sake, he doesn’t even have a head.


After terrorizing villages left and right, the Horseman was humbled when a group of middle schoolers made fun of his broad shoulders and called him a “cheap gimmick.” This devastating blow forced the Horseman to take it easy this Halloween and spend the holiday looking inward.


In a recently discovered journal entry dated October 31, 2023, the Horseman came to the conclusion that he is practically useless, writing things like, “I am practically useless without a head,” and “It’s not even like I’m nearly headless, I’m straight up headless, the fuck?”


He even journaled about how he scheduled a therapy session using the University of Iowa’s services for eight free sessions with a struggling grad student. His excitement to attend faded when he remembered he could not speak, hear, or even process the information he would have been given.


Living a therapist-free and headless life, the once terrifying Headless Horseman grapples with his futile existence and the complete lack of skill he possesses that could be a service to truly anyone at all.


The Horseman claims he is now “banished to an eternally destitute life with a head not even remotely around where it should be, in fact no head at all.” This Halloween, please remember those who paved the way and even lost their heads for the sake of trying to be scary.

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