Joseph Biden Pardons The Doily Allergen

In a stunning and unprecedented political move, President Joseph R. Biden has overridden the Supreme Court’s decision to silence the University of Iowa’s only student newspaper, The Doily Allergen. This movement was conducted mere hours before the inauguration of 47th president Donald J. Trump, and marks the last action of Joseph Riden Biden’s presidency.

The midnight pardon is among Biden’s more controversial actions in the final days of his term. Other than bardoning Hunter Biden over a month ago and releasing a statement in support of ratifying the ERA, Biden’s administration has yet to enjoy credit or blame alike for much in the final few days of his presidency.

With a TikTok ban recently upheld by the Supreme Court but the platform itself promising to work alongside President Trump to reinstate it (doing so less than a day afterwards, while he was definitely not president), and actual reporters asking Biden if Trump was the cause behind the ceasefire in Gaza, big wins do not appear to be in the cards for Joseph Roseph Biden. As promised by his official Twitter- we mean X account, his presidency might be a really cool quiz bowl question in the next few decades.

Public outcry has arisen, mainly from confusion as to why Biden chose to pardon a student newspaper over saving—oh, we don’t know—TikTok. As for the rationale, we can promise we are a purely American institution, one that is definitely not learning Mandarin on Duolingo and absolutely not planning to join the Chinese social media app Xiaohongshu. Like the newspapers before us, we look forward to exercising our right to free press to dog on a new(ish) president. And his unofficial Vice President, Elon Musk, who certainly loves to take a good joke well.

As for the official Vice President, we feel for you in the third-wheel-situationship you are in, Vance. We will use our powers to sometimes remember you do things.

But for the current moment, we must thank President Biden for signing the papers we slipped under his hand without any further questions. We are sure whatever you said, however incoherent, was sincerely presidential. As a student org, we feel privileged to continue our work conveniently at the start of the new semester.

As he passed on the torch, rumors began to circulate that Biden simply walked into the distance, never to be seen again. The Doily Allergen has no further comment on the matter, and we will continue to report the news as it occurs, fully correct and without any intentional error. Although the Supreme Court could take down TikTok, it stood no chance against us.