Presidential Inauguration Over: Biden Officially Kicked Out of the Polycule

As the number one most reliable source of news in the entire country, The Doily Allergen had the immense displeasure of being invited to the presidential inauguration last week where former president Joe Biden faced his worst blow yet. No, it wasn’t his removal from office (though yikes, embarrassing, lol), it was his three-way breakup with long-time boyfriend Donald Trump, and newcomers JD Vance and Elon Musk.
The decision came as a shock to Biden, as there had been weeks of discussions about including him in their orgies even after his removal from office. So what happened? Well, dear readers, we have a few theories.
After speaking to dead-eyed Barron Trump about his enby, goth, gamer crush for a few hours, he finally confessed to us that he accidentally stumbled into one of his dad’s “group dates” and “saw more than he wanted to.” When asked to elaborate, Barron shuddered and looked right at Biden.
What does that mean Barron! Is Biden too freaky for the other three? Was he not freaky enough? What did he do????
Sadly, while attempting to get our hands on the White House security tapes, we were apprehended by security (despite our very real and official press badges) and escorted off the premises.
To add insult to injury, Trump’s newest executive order officially bans Biden from the Polycule, leaving the rest of the American public floundering for answers. Rest assured that we are doing everything we can to find out more about this pressing story as more information surfaces.
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