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  • Delaney Waterman

Underfunded UI Theatre Department Resorts to Putting On Dance Moms

dance moms jerky

The University of Iowa Theatre Arts Department has put on a number of crazy shows including the famous cursed show, Macbeth, this past fall. But, nothing has been as insane as their first mainstage show of the spring season: ‘Dance Moms: The Musical.’

“Over the past few semesters, attendance at our mainstage shows have been dwindling, and we needed something that would draw the crowds in,” Elizabeth Morris Theater Arts Department chair said. “And what do crowds want these days? They want more than a middle-aged woman yelling at small children for an hour and a half. Plus, we saved loads of money on the scripts since we just transcribed the entire second season of Dance Moms.”

“I really just want to give her the representation that she deserves,”Eric Larson—who is playing the legend herself, Miss Abby Lee Miller—said. “Yeah, she made childrens’ lives living hell, yeah she hid money from the bankruptcy courts, but I think she’s just misunderstood. I think we need justice for Abby Lee.” Larson is not only serving justice for Abby, but truly becoming Abby, with his method approach.

In fact, when we went to interview him, he pulled up in an electric wheelchair and began preaching to us about proper theater etiquette. Several of the crew members also reported several incidents backstage where Larson held up pyramid charts, ranking both the cast and crew members from worst to best, causing several crew members to walk out of rehearsal crying.

But Larson continued to stand behind his methods, saying, “They should only cry if they have a compound fracture. Or if their grandpa died, but otherwise, they should save the tears for their pillow.”

But this chaos isn’t just happening in the Theater Building. It’s happening all around the streets of Iowa City. Larson can be seen only in what he describes as “The Cadillac of All Scooters” looking for his next preteen whose dreams he can crush.

One of Larson’s victims told us that she was walking home from school at Northwest Junior High when the actor yelled from across the street, “You’re skinny, you’re blonde, you’re pretty, and you don’t think that people at school hate you. Grow up.”

We reached out, once again, to the Theater Department for comment on the growing concerns about the methodology of their actors, and were surprised to find out that Larson has not reported to rehearsal in over a week. We called Larson one more time to try to find out his location, but all he said before promptly hanging up the phone was, “Swaggy Lee is in the house…Mom’s better have my money.”

The University of Iowa has sent out a hawk alert warning everyone to be on the lookout for the deranged actor looking to break the spirits of all young girls in the Iowa City area.


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