Woke Left Goes Back to Sleep

With finals season drawing near, professors have been witnessing falling rates of attendance and attention alike as students burn out before the busiest time of the semester. But according to recent rumors, there may be something more sinister in the air.

Classes within the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences have dramatically dropped off in attendance with no medical or emergency-related reason given, leading professors to believe their students are sleeping through classes with a new furor.

“It’s not even that I’m teaching an 8:00 AM.” one creative writing professor exclaimed. “The kids can’t even bother to show up for a 2:00 PM class! The readings I assign aren’t even that long, the final paper is easy… what could I be doing wrong?”

Students have noticed the change too. As word spread, it was soon revealed that many of the students aligned with the political left. Considering their college’s name contained the word “liberal” and the high number of left-leaning students in attendance, it was only a matter of time before people realized: Woke is no longer just broke; it’s goddamn asleep!

Could it be that the election has well and truly broken students’ spirits? Could the winter weather be impacting some students more than others? Or has YAF been contaminating students’ food and drink?

“It could be anything, and that’s so scary,” One concerned student remarked. “My roommate’s been dead to the world until she starts chugging Monster energy; finishing her papers at 2:00 in the morning. I’m not sure what could be causing it.”

“I think people are just tired, man,” Another peer remarked. “The sun sets at 4:30 and profs are all asking for papers at the same time.”

But as the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences seems to slumber evermore, one must wonder if this will finally drive the University of Iowa to finally install the College of Conservative Arts and Sciences once and for all.