The Doily Safety Guide for Halloween 2023
Halloween is nearly upon us, Iowa City! With ten days left until the big night, it’s important to start thinking about how to stay safe on this year’s All Hallows’ Eve. Lucky for you, The Doily Allergen is here to help out the good people of this town. With that said, here are our thirteen tips from the Doily Safety Guide for Halloween 2023:
Surgically inspect all candy before consumption to ensure it does not contain any razor blades, fentanyl-laced weed, 18-wheelers storming down the highway, wisdom teeth, or nukes. (After all, the City of Iowa City is legally a Nuclear Weapons Free Zone! Seriously, you can check the city charter.)
If you see young trick-or-treaters, make sure to trick them into spraining their ankles in a graveyard so the undead can access a captive feast and don’t have time left to hunt you down before dawn.
If you see any couples dressed as Barbie and Ken, swiftly deliver silver bullets to their occipital lobes. This is the only thing that will stop them.
If you and your partner are going as Barbie and Ken, wear a helmet and keep vigilant.
Avoid back alleys if at all possible. If you must take one, prepare to face jumpscares from serial killers, poltergeists, and drunk students. In the event that you encounter any one of these three, simply and calmly state the following: “Legally speaking, you may not harm nor threaten me.” Upon hearing this, they will shrink back into the shadows, pouting.
Upon encountering The Devil From Hell Himself, Satan The Antichrist And Adversary Of God Our Lord In Heaven Above, do not make any deals involving your soul. Instead, offer to help him find the missing body of Jesus Christ The Anointed Lamb Of God for him to devour next year. Make sure to stress next year; if you must, inform him that you are too busy tonight. He will agree, if reluctantly, and by next Halloween he will have forgotten.
Every time you feel a chill breeze, remember to thank it for the turkey leg. (Don’t worry, no one else understands this tradition either; nevertheless, vile things will come to pass upon you if you fail to engage in it.)
If you go to a Halloween party, only drink spirits and water, either of the outright holy or unholy varieties — but never consume noncommittally holy water without the supervision of a trusted reaper. (Not the Grim Reaper; he’s not real, obviously. It just has to be someone who harvests grain for a living. Shouldn’t be too hard to find someone like that in this state.)
If you hook up with anyone from a Halloween party, first ensure that they are human. If not, the hookup can continue, but in preparation, you’ll need to carry with you either holy water, offerings of treats, or silver (can be silver sheet barriers or bottled silver for liquid application), depending on the type of being, instead of traditional protection. Remember, youngins: Though you can’t get a zombie pregnant, you can contract an STD from one without proper precaution!
Avoid Herky at all costs. Vicious even on ordinary days, he becomes even more ghoulish as the spirit world merges with physical reality, uniting him with the ghosts of all Herkies past — and therefore giving him the power to unlatch his normally cramped-shut jaws and reveal the charcoal maw behind those far-too-human teeth. If he sees you, all is lost.
Though the night before Halloween is called Mischief Night in many places, do not engage in any sort of mischief, tomfoolery, or shenanigans of that sort on said date, or you shall suffer just recompense on All Hallows’ Eve, delivered upon you by the divine balance of the Universe.
If you have young children, remind them to travel in large herds so that the Halloween lions can’t distinguish individuals from the whole, to appoint from amongst themselves a demonic shepherd lead the pack, and to keep in mind that “Trick or Treat” is not a request, but a threat and a promise.
Do not, under any circumstances, speak Latin. You know the consequences.
And there you have it! That’s all the advice you’ll ever really need for this oh-so-spooky holiday. But if you’re still salivating for even more tips and tricks to have not only a safe Halloween, but a sane and satisfying one as well, be sure to buy our full annual guide for a small $666.13 on Amazon.com — the spooookiest retailer of them all! Y’know, with all the workers’ rights abuses? Scary stuff! 👻🧟💀🎃 To you, our dearest, dedicated, and most demented Doilyers: Have a happy, haunted Halloween!