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  • Byron Ellington

Dear Doily: You’ve Gone Woke

woke is a joke

Dear Doily,

I’ve recently noticed that as of late, it seems like some of your articles have been leaning a bit woke. Don’t get me wrong, as a reasonable conservative, I understand that the woke mob and lizard-men coastal elites must put a lot of pressure on you to not just speak your mind, but I never thought you’d swing so far to the radical left.

I had always admired your commitment to providing balanced, relevant reporting on all the major issues of our day, but lately, I’ve felt your efforts lacking. It really seems like you’ve all of a sudden started giving over way too much territory to the leftist cabal. Did you hire some new staff writers or something? Please make sure to thoroughly vet all applicants, for the sake of your readers. I’m worried you may have accidentally hired a liberal or two, and good, God-fearing conservatives like you and I should always be wary of an infiltration like that.

Allow me to point out some of the incidents of wokeism that I’ve noticed popping up in your fine newspaper over the past couple of months. One of the most consistent problems I’ve noticed since the start of the new semester is an increase in the acceptance of promiscuity. While such sinful pieces did sometimes slip through in the past, I’ve noticed a discomforting uptick lately, including articles sexualizing your own staff, vilely “reporting” on carnal details of Herky the Hawk, interviewing perverted professors instead of donating to help them cover up their activities, reporting on lewd activities in university athletics, actively encouraging licentiousness among students, sexualizing all manner of Halloween costumes, and uncritically referring to gay people as a real and legitimate category of person.

Intel from an associate of mine in your organization has also led me to believe that your upcoming “Doily on the Street” series involves asking promiscuous passersby about their feelings of sexual attraction to our beloved school mascot. Furthermore, it should be noted that a majority of the above pieces appear to be sexualizing men, indicating either a blight of female sexuality or male homosexuality among your staff, which is particularly problematic.

I have also noticed an increase in political content being published at The Doily Allergen, which all seems to either be genuinely woke-minded or — and this possibility worries me the most — insincerely positioning in favor of conservative beliefs. Such articles have gone so far as to allude to the concept of celebrating our country’s lazy-bum workers, profit off the suffering of beloved Republican leaders, refer to all that climate change nonsense as a “real” issue (same article as the last one — seriously, that’s one you really need to rescind), give wokeist lies equal weight as the ideas of trustworthy conservative groups like the Hermetic Order of Nova Roma Iowana, insinuate that White people getting spaces for themselves is racist or some shit, make fun of hardworking businessmen, try to cry “cultural appropriation” when White folk barely glance at another culture, and, most recently, imply that the Irish were oppressed or something.

Finally, we have the issue of religion. I’ve only seen this one pop up a couple of times, but I worry it may expand into something seriously worrisome. One of your Halloween articles seemed to be making fun of hardworking, God-fearing, churchgoing Christians like myself, which I really don’t appreciate, and I hope you can understand why publishing work like that would be disheartening for all the people like me who make up your core readership. And as a devout Catholic, I was extremely disappointed to see your recent turn to Protestantism. I’m of course not one to bad-mouth a fellow Christian just because they don’t follow my exact doctrine, but you can see how it would make me uncomfortable, no? I hope you’ll soon come to your senses and return to a life of Catholic hard work and toil in the newspaper mines.

Also, a couple of your recent headlines have been really confusing to me. Something about them smells woke to me, but I can’t quite place it, probably because they don’t really make any sense anyway as far as I can tell. Can one of my fellow readers help me out in identifying the problem here? Also, readers, please let me know if you’ve also taken note of this disquieting turn in The Doily Allergen’s usually steadfast reporting.


Uncle Jim

Dear Uncle Jim,

Uhhh... Idk how to help you. Sorry man. We’re not woke though, so don’t worry, you can keep reading all our articles. Literally never even heard of the word “woke” before. Love you. Hey though, sounds like you’ve been a great supporter of ours over the years. Care to tell your buddies at Fox & Friends about us so we can maybe get some more coverage? That’d be great, thanks.

Yours Truly,

The Doily Allergen


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